Billy's Journal

Diary cont.
The last few days have been bad .I missed Easter at my sisters and missed my oncology appointment Monday.I finally made it to the oncologist today and found out my white count was 0.5 and my platelets were 26.000.These are low counts .I'm surprised the doctor didn't send me to the hospital.The doctor told me to basically stay home and stay away from people.Don't eat salads fruits or vegetables.Keep to canned foods ,and cook meat till it burns.The oncology office was pretty quiet .It's very sad in there.People with no hair in wheelchairs and radiation scars waiting to see what the doctors will want them to do next.I'm going to try and sleep now
low 70s beautiful

The last few days have been bad .I missed Easter at my sisters and missed my oncology appointment Monday.I finally made it to the oncologist today and found out my white count was 0.5 and my platelets were 26.000.These are low counts .I'm surprised the doctor didn't send me to the hospital.The doctor told me to basically stay home and stay away from people.Don't eat salads fruits or vegetables.Keep to canned foods ,and cook meat till it burns.The oncology office was pretty quiet .It's very sad in there.People with no hair in wheelchairs and radiation scars waiting to see what the doctors will want them to do next.I'm going to try and sleep now
low 70s beautiful

Today a bit of early June arrived in the neighborhood.I packed my basketball and went out for my daily walk.I walked in to the park on 66st.The swings moved through the air filled with children laughing, gasping and even crying. All the courts were taken .The kids were off from school("Damm").Do they ever go to school?They seem like they're always off.Just as I was cursing these poor kids under my breath a court opened up and I grabbed it.I shot the ball around for 20 minutes ,then packed up and came home.I had pain today(I have to keep a pain diary for pain management.The pain was about a 5 at the park and an hour after I was home, about a 6 or 7. 76 degrees today with thunderstorms.

Aah !My first wek of chemo as an out-patient is over.The needle now goes in to the port in my chest ,it hurts at first but unlike the back of my hand the pain (or the quick sting disappears).I feel sick to my stomach my legs are tired and my knees need some love.There are other pains that come and go .The morphine helps but makes my stomach a little sick.All in all I feel good !I know this is a tougher cancer and it will be killed with a tougher chemo.I have to go back May 1st.I can't march in the May day parade and complain about my health care(sarcasm).I'm very lucky and I thank God(Another reason why I can't march.I believe in God)
High 60s Beautiful!

Woke up late today.It's Sunday so I go out to the stoop and get the paper.I make coffeee and start reading the paper.It's a little warmer out today but showers are coming the dark clouds have given them away.I go out for a nice walk along ninth ave.and then go back home.I have to rest until my counts get higher and I feel stronger.It's good to be out of the hospital.It's good to be home.40s to low 50s showers

CANCER TREATMENT
Cancer sruck me down for the second time in January.There is a new cancer in my body. Acute myelogenous leukemia.It at least waited till after th e holidays to put me in the hospital.I went in the hospital on January 4 and was treated like a life or death patient.My roomates seemed to come from each circle of the seven circles of Hell.Constant chemotherapy and transfusions leftme flat on my back.The bone pain was excruciating and getting a nurse to give me pain medication was a job within itself.I was released from the hospital Febuary 4.

now I face 8 more months of chemo as an out-patient

MISERABLE,MIS ER ABLE!That's all I can say.Chemo was real tough .You lay and think should I go to the hospital ,no I can hang on.It takes the radiance away from your body ,it's stipped off ,unveiled ,like you have no soul.You're so white ,you fade into the sheets on your bed and no one can see you.All I could do was lay bed and get sick.I requested help from my message board and they were great.Today I went to the oncology center and got some more anti-naseau pills .O ne of them is called Zofran ,It helped alot.I know just about all of this shit is almost out of my body.So I should feel better soon.I have a onc app on 3/25.They may send me for a ct and they may give me a bmb.Then back for chemo #5 .
Windy low 40s today

The alarm went off in it's usual annoying way.It's 8am and 26 degrees .I did well with the chemo yesterday,although it took my favorite nurse 3 tries to get a good vein.My niece is driving me to chemo today.Today it's a short chemo about 2 and a half hours.

They fed the pigeons and walked past the homeless man.I guess they thought he was repugnant.He had a shopping cart with all his worldly posseseions in it and laid on flattened cardboard boxes.Boxes that at one time carried fruit and vegetables, probally enough to feed him for a month.How ironic.This was his home ,a little patch of grass outside the park ,cardboard was his bed and his cart was his vehicle.Sleep deeply imbeded in his eyes,his clothes and face filthy.I bought him some food ,cake and drinks ,then walked away and prayed to God to help him.

Up at 7:30 this morning.I went to the V.A to see my other onc.(who sits and talks to me and agrees a bmt is probally a bad idea.They took a couple of vials of blood and then she gave me a rx for pain-killers.I walked back andon the way stopped at a Diner .My friend Laura from Coney Island met me there.We had a good talk and a good meal.When I got home
I had a message from my friend White.He told me my friend Pat died from the bug.Pat and alot of my friends got in to shooting dope.White and I were able to keep away even though we stll hung out with them.After awhile junkies start disappearing ,they find a place so they can get high together.God Bless and forgive you Patrick!!!!!
50s and clear today

Chemo tomorrow !Oh shit!Went to my regular doctor today to check my sugar.When I checked it this morning it was 125 without a pill.January is finally over besides the cold weather, snow and finding out about Sponge Bob coming out of the closet (I thought he liked the squirrel )it was o'k.I have to be at the chemo center by 9am.They'll give me three chemos tomorrow ,Rituxin ,fludarabine and cytoxan.The cytoxan is the one that gets me sick.They also gime me a shot of ativan in my I.V.I changed my bed and have some food ready if i feel like eating.

Up at 8am.Coffee and a banana.I think I was a monkey in another life.Out this afternoon ,much warmer.Walked to the park ,the basketball courts still covered in snow.The walk was refreshing ,it's been about 10 days since I had a long walk.The snow is getting dirty and slushy ,hopefully it will be gone by the end of the week.Three days till chemo.
30s today

Up at 8am.So quiet ,I could have slept till noon.Warmer weather is starting to melt the snow but it will take time ,like an hour glass it recedes instead of dropping.I need to get out ,see people ,take pictures, feel alive .I'm not a freaken bear who hibernates during the Winter. I need to talk to people, but I can't seem to do that now .I want to be alone .I don't want to answer the phone or call anyone .I just lie in bed and wait for the sunlight to turn to darkness and then sunlight again.What a waste!Four days till chemo.Four more days to weakness and fear!
Mid 30s

Up at 8:30am.I rub my eyes and begin another day.I make coffee and have a banana for breakfast.Out to the store ,the Sun so bright you almost forget it's only 6 degrees. The snow still arks against the parked cars.The snow has been shoveled on the corners .The Mayor announced on T.V if anyone wants to shovel snow to call 311 and they can work for the city that day.I know everything I want when I get to the Supermarket ,so I'm in and out quickly.Tomorrow is going to be better, warmer ,so I can go for my walk.Five days till my next chemo!
Cold, 16 at this writing.

Six days to chemo.Ay Carumba!!Cold!!!!Thank God for big bulky sweat pants.Up at 8am.Heated coffee that I bought yesterday at the bakery.I can see the sunlight behind the closed venitian blinds camouflaging the bitter cold outside.The frost rises off the asphalt into a ghostly dance.I'm glad I'm home today.Fortunetly we may get into the forties next week.Cold and Sunny,8 degress

seven days until my next chemo.Today it was a little warmer out.I was able to take a nice walk.It's the beginning of the Chinese New year so the streets are packed.They come along in costumes ,playing drums and are rewarded with donations from stores for the different karate schools they represent.I hope they don't start tomorrow ,it's going to be frezzing cold.I'm not going out tomorrow .I went out and got food today and will hopefully clean my house tomorrow.Dreary but warmer today ,mid 30s

Cold again today.I haven't been feeling right since Christmas day.The garbage still lays on the street because of the holiday.The wind picks up pages of the chinese paper and delivers them in front of my yard, also all their christmas paper rolls down and lands in front of my gate.I go out and pick it all up before the sanitation man gives me another ticket and take it down to the corner and throw it in the city basket.I walked to the basketball courts on 66st .There was still patches of snow but I managed to get off some shots.I had some hot coffee and took a walk through the park.The trees on both sides hang lifeless ,the swings are no longer in flight on this blustery Winter day.After some 20 minutes I pack up and leave .
20s, windy but not as windy as yesterday

I walked today.A short walk to the park.Some light snow came down and stuck to the garbage bags in the yard.The garbage had been left behind because of Christmas day.It was cold not to cold but cold.The roller hockey teams were warming up in the rink.I can't skate to save my life ,thats why I play basketball.I shot around for a short time and drank my coffee,I had left on the bench table.I went to my Sisters last night for Christmas .A few scotches ,good food and I was on my way home.I'm watched my Jets lose to a team that did not need the game as much as they did.I saw that thousands of people had died on the other side of the world made everything that happened today look insignificant.It's night time now and the history channel beckons, as I will watch a show about Nostradamus.
Snowy 20s and low 30s today

The shock and fear of the chemo -room can only be seen through the eyes of the patient.The lounge chair is big and comfortable and as you wait,you think how bad can it be.The nurse swings over with the pole and the bags attached and drills that iv needle into the back of your hand and you feel the pain ,the uneasiness of it all.They sometimes have to regulate the iv to make sure it's in the vein.Then they check the drip, ah sucesss and you're on your way to feeling sick from something that is going to make you well!

The cellar door was open like two outstrectched arms beckoning the winter wind to come in.I felt a blast ,it turned me around and thoughts of past Decembers filled my head.I memorized the night before christmas when I was five it took nearly the whole month of December, before I could say it word for word in front of my fathers startled eyes.The smells of December are distinct, instead of chilling your body it un -chills your heart.Anything is possible in December .The first snow always brings smiles to the young and the old.The gifts under the tree being hastily opened by young hands.I don't want to die in December .I don't want to die from the poison they'll be giving me, in a month thats always brought me nothing but joy!

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